Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Up Your Nose

Apparently I need a dogblog. (But someone's already claimed that.)

But you can thank God almighty I do not have a mommy blog (at least in any ordinary sense of the term) or else it might go something like this:

I consider Bella, in her late-threes, to be smarter than average but certainly not brilliant. Smart enough that she lulls me into a state of complacency. She likes asking how things are spelled, and making up her own counting problems ending with a celebratory upward arm motion, "I just did math!" (Certainly not a trait she encountered in a Barbie commercial.) At the dog party on Sunday, she ran around asking everyone if they'd like a drink. "Would you like a Sun Tea? DON'T WORRY I'LL GET IT!" (arriving minutes later with very warm drink over modicum of ice). "Is that your beer? Do you need another? Do you LIKE beer?" The hostess gene is definitely recessive.

I should not have been surprised, and yet I was, when yesterday morning, already late leaving the house for a day in the country, I glanced into Bella's room where she had contentedly been playing by herself for 10 minutes, to find her awkwardly hunched over her shell collection on the floor.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to get a seashell out of my nose."

A call to our neighbor who is a pediatrician currently on emergency rounds yielded the following information: a) he was currently 90 minutes away, not four doors down. b) Could we feel it? (I squeezed her nostrils together. No dice.) c) Did we own long tweezers? (why in hell would we own long tweezers? But I put them on my mental Target list which I'm sure I'll forget in 5 minutes time.) d) Could we get her to blow her nose out of one nostril?

DUDE, do you have a three year old? Can you get a three year old to do ANY.T.H.I.N.G? Cuz really I'll leave the shell up there and take picking up her clothes or not dipping her hand into her beverage cup or any number of assorted daily activities that will make my life eons easier.

Well, said he, the emergency room is likely not to be crowded this early on a holiday. So, in our most chipper yet resigned voice we said, "Bella, we're going to the hospital." At which point she began to bawl and the whole process of crying and snotting loosened things up, I got her to blow with me holding one nostril shut, and out came the seashell.

Crisis averted. And today we were light enough to joke that had it not come out, we probably would've driven to Children's (not the closet ER by any stretch of the imagination) and paged our point people. We guffawed at sending our seashell to Baylor for the genome project. But this is what deadbaby parents do, I suppose, is realize life is a series of medical mishaps and it's all fun and games until the seashell enters the optical cavity.

SO: SPILL IT. What did you jam into your nose or ear when you were a kid? You can post anonymously. And if you failed to be so curious, feel free to rat on your sibling.

31 comments:

Aunt Becky said...

I shoved a dried pea so far up my nose when I was a kid that I had to have the doctor get it out. Apparently, I was really trying to get it out which only made the situation worse.

Hehehe.

Poor Bella. She'll have a great story to tell.

kate said...

Not me, oh no. But my best friend did -- a piece of hot dog, apparently, and it was in there for awhile, and started to rot. Eeeewwww

Antigone said...

Um...we had to pull tinsel out of one of our cat's butts last Christmas.

CLC said...

Me- probable just my fingers.
But my brother once stabbed my other brother in the face with a pencil. He still has the scar to prove it. I believe it occurred in the car.

CLC said...

I meant "probably" not probable!

Beruriah said...

I don't think I ever did anything like that, but when I was 12, I threaded a paperclip through my braces while I read a book at home, distracted. Needless to say, it got stuck. I got it out myself, but only after pulling the wire out of a few brackets. Not that I told my parents that's how it happened. Strangely enough though, a kid in my class did the same thing a couple of days later during silent reading time but got it so stuck he had to go to the orthodontist, humiliated. Nice girl that I was, I secretly told him I'd done it too when he came back to school. A few days later he sent me a note saying, "Do you like me? Circle Yes or No." But then they moved to Texas. Sad sad.

loribeth said...

Too funny!! No nose stories from me. I do remember my best friend telling me she shoved a bead up her nose when she was 3 & had to go to the hospital to get it removed.

Suzanna Catherine said...

I actually have a story -- sort of mine and sort of my mother's.

While my mother was pg with me she was crocheting little baby things. She said she was reading the pattern and absentmindedly picking her teeth (!!) with the crochet hook. One of those tiny, tiny ones. You guessed it. It got stuck between her front teeth. She said the more she tried to get it out, the more it hurt. At the time, my parents did not own a car and had to rely on public transportation to go anywhere. She said that the whole time she was trying to get it out, all she could think about was having to ride the bus downtown to the dentist's office with a crochet hook stuck between her teeth -- while 8 mos pregnant. Finally, after what seemed like hours, but was probably just minutes, her sister helped her get it out.

Mrs. Spit said...

I got nothing. Didn't ever put anything up my nose. I totally suck.

Julia said...

The Old Country form of kiddie Vitamin C-- it was a nice little ball. Paramedics had to come. Now, the detail I am hazy on is whether they also had to come a week before then or a week after. But the reason for the other visit is very clear in my memory-- I broke a glass mercury thermometer and was watching the pretty balls roll all over my parents unfolded sofa where I was convalescing when I broke said thermometer. Ummm... shiny...

amy said...

I never shoved things in my nose...but my little brother did. The same day he got a new toy bb gun and was lectured about NEVER pointing at his or anyone else's face he proceeded to shot a bb up his nose. My mom, a pediatric nurse, dug it out with a metal cake tester. And he was shocked when they threw the gun away. Heh.

k@lakly said...

That's hilarious, my son did the same thing with a skittle, right after we told him not to put it up his nose. He got quiet in the other room and then returned to where we were with red dye #6 streaming out of his nose and tears out of his eyes...'it's stuuuuuuck!!!' We finally were able to snot rocket it out too, one of the few times his antics did not lead to an e.r. visit.
Thanks for the memories!

Melissia said...

My daughter put those evil red hot candies up her nose. I was appalled. She was about 6 and a nurse's kid to boot, so she absolutely knew better. She had gotten them from another kid at daycare and once we got her to calm down slightly she was able to blow her nose and out they came. Of course her eyes and nose ran for several hours, cause they were red hots, but as soon as they were out she felt much better. Silly girl.

c. said...

OH.MY.GOD., Tash. You poor thing. Bella, too.

I can't say I stuffed anything up my nose or in my ear. I used to pick gum off the street and eat it though. That must count for an "Oooh. Gross!" doesn't it?

luna said...

poor bella. great tactic to get her to snot it out though. that;s some highly skilled mothering.

I never stuck anything up my nose, but definitely had to pull things out of my animals' butts (like antigone). does that count?

Ariella said...

A barbie shoe when I was four.

Q said...

I don't remember ever shoving anything up my nose, but I do remember swallowing (on purpose!) one of those Dungeons & Dragons dice with like 18 sides...

samill said...

That's such a cute story - bless!

I didn't shove anything up my nose I am happy to say. I actually had a deformed left nostril - it was so narrow that any cold or hayfever would give me really bad problems so I had it fixed when I was about 10 and can now breathe properly through both!

Waiting Amy said...

No nose stories here either. But our family story is how my brother swallowed a dime. He was lying on his bed flipping it in the air with his tongue when it suddenly went down his gullet. My mom still has it (no surgery required).

As a vet I have retrieved quite a few interesting things out of animals guts and butts, but that's for another time!

Which Box said...

I shoved a tic tac up my nose when I was definitely old enough to know better (maybe 7 or so). I wanted to see if I could blow it out, but my mom had other ideas and got the tweezers. Know how tic tacs have rounded ends? Yeah, not exactly easy to pull out. I still don't know why she wouldn't let me blow it out, maybe she thought I'd inhale it deeper.

So last week my two year was quiet at the dinner table and my husband I were talking, not paying much attention. Suddenly I realize she has handfuls of peas and they are suspiciously close to her face, so I ask her if she put a pea in her nose. 2.5 = entirely unreliable and highly suggestive. She said yes, but we weren't sure, couldn't feel or see anything, and she could breathe freely from both nostrils. My husband gave her a bath that night and he said suddenly, there was a pea floating in the water. Did it come from her nose? Who knows. She said it did, and she said there was another one, but she really likes things to be in matched sets, so she could be making it up. Ah, motherhood.

niobe said...

Ouch.

BethH6703 said...

I don't recall ever INTENTIONALLY putting anything into my nose...

That being said, when I was about 7, I managed to get a latch hook stuck in there. Pulled too hard on a string, and that's where it landed. No hospital visit, fortunately, as my parents we able to get it out.

And I can't believe I just told that story! *humiliation* The only person I've EVER told that story to was my hub. Ugh...

A.M.S. said...

Surprisingly, I don't think I ever stuck anything up my nose or in my ear as a child. However, a few years ago, I accidentally swallowed a straight pin which required a trip to the ER and a laparoscope into the stomach to retrieve it. New rule in our house...no more holding straight pins between the teeth while sewing.

Anonymous said...

I used to put gravel in my ears because I liked the scratchy feel. Then after my youngest was born I finally realized how crazy that must've made my parents.

My husband and I have had to fish the following items out of our son's ear canal and/or nose at one time or another:

corn
wood chips
crayons
gum (chewed)
gumball (un-chewed)
spaghetti noodle
chocolate chip
assorted pebbles
gummi snack
skittles (smell the rainbow?)
pencil erasers
arts & crafts pom pom ball
assorted beads

I know I must be missing something since it got to the point where we'd just randomly have him blow his nose and took bets as to what might come out. The funniest one has to be the spaghetti though. We'd picked him up from daycare and had been home for a good 30 minutes when he sneezed. I reached for tissue without even looking and saw that when I went to wipe his nose a noodle was dangling where nary a noodle had been before. So (of course) I pulled it and he made the funniest scrunched up face...then giggled. Turns out they had spaghetti for lunch that day.

Oddly enough, the most painful item was the gummi snack. And I guess you could say we DID (and still do) own the long tweezers....as well as a neti pot.

*sigh*

janis said...

Not my story but my younger daughter. she put a pony bead up her nose when she was two. we could not even see it with our powerful torchlight. We tried everything, including the vacuum cleaner, which, did. not. work. In the end, dh got it out by quick action of the tweezers, which I think is a miracle, considering he did not even know where the bead was.... and he did it by first shoving a bead up his nose so he would know how to manoveur the tweezers...

hairyfarmerfamily said...

Hi Tash,
No insertions or blockages to report, I just wanted to say hello, courtesy of NaComLeavMo. I've just had a good forage through your archives (less naughty than it sounds) and I've been having a proper snivel. And a fair few smiles as well. What a wonderfully written blog! I likes you loads!

Searching said...

A cotton ball. Up my nose. It was so far up in my sinuses it was days before they knew. Apparently it got this rotting sewer type smell and even though I was a darling, precocious curly haired blonde blue eyed little baby no one would touch me. Hence the doc visit and the cotton balls being placed in the medicine cabinet.

Alice said...

Nothing to add for me. But my sister took a bolt of her rocking horse and swallowed that. I think it might still be inside her.

Alice

Hennifer said...

I have a raging bladder infection so I lack the skill today to make this funny but I had a little rubber car, kind of like an eraser, it had a little man driving the car. Apparently I ripped off the head and shoved it in my nose. Why? Who knows. My mother laughs hysterically to this day remembering me "mommy, mommy, I have a man up my nose" What? I think it was remedied somewhat similar to Bella's experience

Searching said...

I nominated you for an award, check my blog. :)

Reba said...

I've been lurking for a while, I found your blog through Glow in the Woods.

When we were little, I made my sister eat dimes and pennies, and an earthworm. We stayed away from our noses, though.