Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Freud Would Have a Field Day

I've been suffering from allergies for the past week, bad. Real bad. You know when you wake up and feel like you had a pitcher of 'ritas the night before? Fuzzy, throbbing head? Cotton dry mouth? The need to chug a gallon of water? Yeah, that's me minus the party to go with it. Nothing like a hangover without the table-dancing and embarrassing cell-phone pictures to show for it. I've never had seasonal allergies quite to this extent; usually I'm an itchy eyes, few sniffles kinda gal. It's probably too late to do much about it this year, but next year at the onset I'm seeing someone about some more potent drugs than the standard OTC stuff which a) did not help with the congestion/breathing remotely, and b) made me feel as though I did chasers with my 'ritas.

I'm sure as a result of the completely ineffective pharms in addition to sleeping rather poorly in between post-nasal-drip coughing spells, I had two really weird dreams this week.

I open a door in a darkened house to discover that my mother has hung herself. I run and find my father, and we decide to wait until morning to make calls. At some point Bella wakes up -- she's in a room with me -- and after I explain what happened, she proclaims that she wants to see my mother's body. I agree, open the door, and my mother is in fact, not dead, and is berating me and my father for waiting until morning to make phone calls.

Wow. I'm telling you, this little vignette has so many layers we might as well spread guacamole on it and pass around a bag of chips. I'm actually not too hung up on the Bella part (she's been all about looking at dead birds before I dispose of them lately, and having small little discussions about death. Spring is chockablock with these lovely teaching moments), or the mother not dying part (OF COURSE we did it wrong! What's a mom dream without mom guilt?), but the initial part where she apparently killed herself? What is THAT about? Am I really thinking about my own mother here, or should we do the Jungian thing where everyone in the dream is really me? And if so, huh? OR, does this represent Motherhood, capital M? Am I wary of it's death? Am I killing it? Or is the message here about (some really fucked up) rebirth so to speak (it's just a flesh wound!)? Analysis welcome.

In dream number two, I remember the critical moments clearly, but the rest is very blurry around the edges:

I have a baby. Maddy. She dies. I believe this happens in a field at night. And a doctor informs me that she died before they could do whatever it is they needed to do, and ergo, I need to have another baby. And so I say, "fine," lock myself in a bathroom, by myself, and have another baby, who of course is Maddy. Who also dies, moments after birth right in my arms, but this time a bit more dramatically.

And that's all I remember, so I don't know if they got what they needed or not (I'm guessing no). I'm not sure if this is supposed to be telling me something (about future reproductive attempts?) or if it was just a standard issue deadbaby nightmare compliments of PTSD.

Needless to say, I'm off to try yet another [product placement] allergy medication, blow my nose, and hope these dreams turn into something involving David Beckham.


G said...

Yah, you aren't kidding about Freud having a field day with those dreams.

Do you think the Maddy and subsequent Maddy dream may be because you are beginning to think about trying again? I don't necessarily think it's an ominous warning (here, you can borrow my rose colored glasses), but more like the fears you have about it creeping back in now that you may have cracked open the door of possibility a bit.

Oh but what do I know :) Good luck with the new allergy meds.

Which Box said...

wow, those are some dreams. A field day indeed.

I agree with G above - maybe not ominous, just showing the worry.

BTW, my husband finds the only over the counter mad that helps with allergies is clar.i.ton - D. The D part is important - the regular version is no good.

Alice said...

Sorry about the allergies. Everyone seems to have them worse than ever this year (and I'm writing from Belgium). I don't know about the dreams. But I send you my love anyway. Thanks for your comments on my blog.


missing_one said...

I wonder if the Maddy dream has to do with you feeling that even if you did things differently, according to the doctors, you would still get the same outcome....it sounded a little fearful of the same outcome

The mother dream seems to indicate that you blame yourself for her death, but then give yourself an "out" because she didn't not die. the Bella part I wonder if that was you wanting to share the truth with her, rather than protecting her from the truth. As if you feel the truth, although sad and devasting, is something she should know.
And the father part....well, it seems like you may be blaming him for not being more proactive about the situation...being a bystander (did it seem like he was like this when Maddy was dying?)

The other interpretation is that your mother is really you. You are hanging yourself (or struggling all alone....with something...maybe grief?) But in the end, you feel you will struggle to the death by yourself, but that you have the strength within you to pull yourself through.

Okay....sorry....this peaked my curiousity. After all, I was a Psych major.

janis said...

You have allergies, I have hives. Different type of allergy. Scratchin' like a hoppin' monkey here while typing... ...
if you really wanna know, go consult a tarot card reader or something. I know people who takes dreams very seriously, as messages; but then you need someone who has the experience to interpret. Some scientists will tell you it is just your brains re-arranging thoughts, real events, imaginations, etc.
Sorry, no answer, except I truly do not believe it is ominous. Feel better soon!

Tash said...

Missing One: DAMN you're good. Hanging myself. Thinking that over now.

missing_one said...


You know, I have to wonder, upon reading it again, it sounds like even though you know you will struggle through, that you are mad at yourself and your dad for not getting help of some sort. Maybe you feel you would have been better if you would have sought out therapy? and maybe your dad said you were fine and didn't need it?

hmmm.....thanks for entertaining me this afternoon, it's good to try and analyze something else rather than myself (because all know that just goes in circles to no end)

missing_one said...

Maybe you're resentful for having to struggle by yourself? to carry a burden?

I know I am resentful of this..

sweetsalty kate said...

phewph. Fascinating. I'm with you on the David Beckham.

CLC said...

I hate the baby nightmares. I was actually going to post some of mine the next time I have a few minutes to write them down.

I am not good at analyzing them, but according to my therapist, it's just another way to process our grief. It's everywhere, even in our sleep we can't escape it. Kind of blows.

Busted said...

That is an interesting dream - and definitely one Freud would love. I'm sorry you're having disturbing dreams - it's so hard to heal when the subconscious doesn't want to.

Aunt Becky said...

I've been your soul sister, apparently. Mayhap this is the cause of all major writing blocks that seem to be going around.

My dreams are all nightmares, I can't seem to shake this fog that I'm in and...it's just all so damn hard.

Here's hoping for a better summer right?

Searching said...

Ugh, sorry on the crappy dreams part and the awful allergies. It's gonna be a long summer and you do have time to try a script if you had the time...

You did all you could with the information you had at each time. You spent time with BOTH your daughters. You are a wonderful mother to both of them.

Brooke said...

Ive been having really vivid dreams lately as well. Nothing as meaningful as yours...lets just say mine involved Kat Von D dressed as Alice in Wonderland throwing a birthday party for my kids! LMAO. Wonder what Freud would say about that? "You've been watching too much LA Ink late at night instead of sleeping" would be my guess ;)

The allergies sound awful. I suffered from hayfever when I was younger and it SUCKS.

samill said...

Hayfever - bleuch. I hate it.

My dreams have been featuring beaches lately, which is nice.

MsPrufrock said...

Dreams with David Beckham would be good as long as his mouth remained close. Boy is an i-d-i-o-t.

I can't believe you've written such a thought-provoking post and asked for help, and here I am yammering on about David Beckham. Oh wait, yeah I can.

c. said...

Mmmmm. David Beckham, yum. Hope your dreams turn up (or on) him, for sure.

As for the allergies, hope you've been able to find some relief.

Oh, and why so many dead birds???

(As an aside, I am so calling on missing_one for some dream analysis!)

Coggy said...

I get really wacked out dreams when I take nighttime cold&flu remedies, consequently I avoid them at all costs.

I'm not one to read anything into dreams. I am not pouring water on others who do, I just am literal scientist woman who thinks dreams just process information. Or maybe I'm just trying to ignore the fact that my dreams are telling me something. Mmmmm.

I'm with msprufrock - David Beckham in dreams is fine as long as he doesn't open his mouth and start talking. Sure does spoil his pretty face..
..next time you see him interviewed count how many 'but errrrr's' he says between sentences.

Tania said...

I was just reading some posts that I have misssed due to NO internet and read the one from April 27 about it could have resulted from "an infection", and I wanted to share my storey with you.

3 years ago I was pregnant with my second child, my first child was finally conceived after a year of nothing and fertility drugs etc etc, (she is my million dollar baby)When I found out I was pregnant the second time even my Dr. was like WOW, you did it all on your own, so anywho, I went to 8 ultrasounds, you know being of "advanced maternal age" I waw NOT quite 36, two of them being Level II ultrasounds, had the genetic testing etc etc, everything looked fine.Went in for my 5 mth ultrasound and I could tell by the tech's actions something wasn't right, she then pointed to what was water on the brain and it was NOT acephylis (sp) so went the next day to the "special" ultrasound place where they did indeed discover that Anthony was NOT going to live outside my womb and to continue the pregnancy was a health risk to me, so in the end I had to have a very very real birth, complete with potossin and everything. He infact was NOT alive when he was delivered although inside of me he was thrashing and kicking. So we do the "normal" things every parent does, I held my "dead" baby and cried (I do wish I had held him longer) pics were taken, although none with me or his father. So we go home and wait and we wait and then I get a call, they tell me there was NO genetic abnormalies, they found a two vessel cord instead of three which my Dr said can lead to birth defects but NOT these kind so that wasn't the answer. At this point I am like okay, NO genetic abnormalties, the amnio came back clean, every Ultrasound was good up until that point, the cord wasn't the problem, what the hell is it, and this is what I was told. NOTHING!! To this day they still cannot tell me what happened, I to this day DO NOT know why my baby died, or why this happened to Anthony, so I understand your frustration with the whole "it could be this or that, but really we have NO idea what caused your baby to die" "oh and by the way mam have a good day"

I have not had another child, due to other circumstances. But if I were to get pregnant again they can't garantee that it won't happen again because........"they don't fcking know"!!

I wish the best for you and your family and I hope that you find some peace within, it still haunts me to this day, and I wonder have I passed something onto my daughter that this could happen to her when she has children. I still grapple with the what if's but not like I used to.


Tash said...

Tania, I'm unbelievably sorry. Thank you for sharing all that with me. I'm amazed they were able to see what they did, when they did. (not in a good way, mind you.) And it's horrible not to have an answer isn't it, after all the "perfects" and "fines" and "looks good!"s.

Take care to you, too.

Julia said...

I wonder if the second dream isn't about the placenta question. You know, them not having it to test because they didn't save it...

Have the dreams left you alone, along with the allergies? Hope they did.