Saturday, February 9, 2008


Grazie, Niobe, for my capital letter "E."

The way these work by the time I get something everyone else has already got it (typical, I got chicken pox in seventh grade), so I'm going to go nuts here and reach outside the grief box and plop it over in the IF column and give it to Ahuva Batya at The Anguished Corn. I'm so glad Mel at Stirrup Queens pointed her out -- she's a freakin' good writer, funny, poignant, and introspective. Plus: she runs, has dogs, likes wine, and daily shoe zen? Rocks. Check it out if you haven't already. (Plus, she's just getting going on IVF #1, so wish her well while you're there.) (And do all the cool bloggers live in the MN environs?)

(Pardon the bigness of the "E", I'm normally not that ostentatious. Blogger image is a bit wiggy lately, and is anyone else mortally hurt by the loss of spell check? I haven't used a dictionary this much since third grade.)


I feel as though I have nothing to say, and yet am anticipating having an awful lot to say next week. I lived in Germany for a year back when I was 6/7 years old, and remember going to my classmates' birthday parties and noticing the children -- in addition to their presents -- bearing flowers for the birthday child's mom. I've always loved this tradition of honoring the mother on the child's birthday, sort of a way of saying thank you for bringing this soul into the world, and, not unimportantly, thank you for all of your hard work getting them to this point. I have on occasion, for friend's kid's first birthdays, just sent the mom flowers figuring the kid was probably overwhelmed with Fisher Price goodness anyways. I thought I might get some flowers for Maddy, but decided that they would be for me as well. I was never thanked for going through 9 months of a rocky pregnancy, for laboring, and for bringing a terminal child into the world. I feel my first year without Maddy has been eons harder than it would've been with. I also feel as though I've done ok by her, expressing how much I miss her, how much I love her. And so, before I chickened out totally, I ordered flowers that we'll receive on Tuesday.

That's all I've done to prepare. Other than clench my jaw. Now I just need to hold my nose, jump in, and get to the other side.


Amy said...

I am thinking of you now as I will on Tuesday. Thank you for bringing Maddy into this world. I am sorry that you are having to live without her. You seem to be remembering her in so many ways. We will all remember her with you. I wish we could all send you flowers so you know we all thank you for bringing her here and that we are all thinking of you.

I will be reading next week and keeping tabs on how you are doing.

Waiting Amy said...

The flowers are a beautiful tradition. I'm so glad you had them sent. You deserve that thanks, for bringing her into this world, and for kindly sharing your memories and emotions.

Thinking of you this week.

Coggy said...

I'm away Tuesday but will be thinking about you. I hope, I don't know what, I just hope it's not hard on you.
I'm glad you ordered flowers, you deserve way.

Coggy said...

that should say way more.
Jeez I obviously need more than spell check these days.

Julia said...

Nice bling, girl!

we had a similar tradition in the Old Country, although kids usually didn't bring the flowers, their parents did.
I think it's a lovely idea, and I hope it brings you some measure of comfort on Tuesday.

charmedgirl said...

i always thought that should happen, too. but i was also always the one who brought the mom gifts at a baby shower.

i'm so glad you are getting the flowers tuesday.

and thank you for writing this blog.

meg said...

I'm glad about the flowers. Please, take a photo, so we can see how lovely they are. If you feel o.k. about doing that, that is. I would just like to see them. I'll be thinking of you Tuesday...and all next week. You and Maddy.

Beruriah said...

I am positive that this first year without Maddy has been harder than it would have been had she been here. The flowers are a beautiful idea and I'm so glad you ordered them. I don't know that you can do anything else to prepare. I'll be thinking of you in the coming days.

Antigone said...

As a serial jaw clencher, I'm going to tell you this with oodles of care: STOP IT. Or not. I wish I would.
The transient beauty of flowers lends itself to something more than an acknowledgement.

Searching said...

Just thinking about you. I think the flowers are a wonderful thing. Sending you lots of hugs.

G said...

The flowers tradition is so heartwarming. I agree with the others, sending them for Tuesday is a beautiful thing. I would love to see you share them here if you are up to it.

Thinking of you today and this week.

Amy said...

Thinging of you, Maddy, and your hubby today and sending you my make believe flowers (would have sent real ones if I knew your address.) Wishing you some peace this week.

Amy said...

Sorry, should have spell checked the above! I am THINKING of you all!

niobe said...

Thinking of you and the difficult week to come.

Searching said...

Some more HUGS for you. Thank you for the gift of Maddy and letting me get to know her, and you. If you haven't been told lately, you are an amazing, wonderful, loving mother to both your girls.