Thursday, February 26, 2009

February Can Kiss My Ass

February can not end fast enough, god bless the shortness of the calendar this week. A few more days on the calendar with "3's" in front of them would seriously make me homicidal -- more than the thought of tomorrow being 60 degrees, followed by the chance of snow on Monday. The weather certainly doesn't help, but it's the month I need to ditch.

I think, for the most part, I made it through well, thank you. I woke up, dabbed a little "Funeral Parlor" behind my ears, and held my head high. Flowers were purchased, flowers wilted, flowers composted. Candles were lit -- except for one night we just outright forgot. A walk in a stiff wind was had, where Mr. ABF and I contemplated weather and trees and flora. Followed by a warm, comfort lunch where it seemed completely unreal and out of body to think I had given birth two years previously, to the day.

And I just tried to keep the umbrella up during the shitstorm, but damn if it didn't keep blowing inside out.

Sometime during what I loosely call "Maddy's week" my grandmother had a stroke. And I'm not being all cryptic and private here by not revealing what day exactly, it's that -- we don't really know when it happened. It was one of those "Wow, she's really improving on this new drug regimen!" followed by "Wow, this new drug regimen is a bit tough I think," followed by "You know, I think this whole not seeing out of her left eye and confusing evening for morning should probably be followed up on." She is presently in a rehabilitation center and will then be moved into -- what terminology are the cool kids using these days? Managed care facility? Yes, one of them. Her confusion isn't wholesale, so there was some concern about a fight against this move, but she honestly seemed relieved. I'm now wondering how anxious she must have been these last few months, knowing she was responsible for her small apartment and her own well being. I've left much of this situation up to my mother and aunt, not because I don't care but because I think they need to reach consensus between the two of them before I insert myself lest I be seen as taking sides. And because it all came down during a particularly bad week for me. But there's no more escaping it.

I had a mammogram the first week of February, my first (welcome, middle age! Now fuck off!) which was, obviously, given the month, followed by the phone call "We need to redo one set of pictures." They claimed in the phone call this was because "tissue had folded over on itself," but which my brain heard as "Don't freak the fuck out, but something's wrong and we need you back in here." Because seriously, my breasts? Don't fold. They are so small, it would be like trying to fold a postage stamp into some origami swan. But I went back this morning, and lo, apparently when they smush things to the point of breaking, tissue within the breast can indeed fold over on itself. She smashed the breast flat with no folds, set out some china and crystal service to make the point, and I was cleared. But it was an interesting 10 days in between call and test where there was that ol' lingering resignation of medical tests gone horribly wrong and wondering what else my body had in store for me.

(Here is the funny interlude involving me not being remotely impressed with online medical records. Mam place said I needed another "prescription" from my OB for the follow up -- even though a) they were literally prescribing it, due to folding and all, not my OB, and b) it had nada to do with insurance. Huh. So I call up OB's office, finally get a human, who will gladly fax over slip -- but needs to know which breast is the offender. I have no idea. "Wait," OB-nurse-at-office-within-same-hospital-system says, "I WILL LOOK IT UP." Which she did. Left breast. She then lifted her ink pen, wrote a script and tore it off her pad, a tree cried, faxed it to the mam place, who pulled it off the fax, whereby another tree cried. It's not working out like it should, is all I'm sayin'.)

What else. Oh! I finally went to the dentist, on the 17th I believe. For the first time since about Maddy's first trimester. Yeah. Personal care has clearly left the building during this debacle. I must have looked ridiculously depressed, because the dentist was downright cheery explaining that we only had to fix these old fillings that have cracked! And we only need to fill these other two extremely small little problem areas! And your molars are now flat because you clench your jaw! Are you under stress? So here's two options for night guards: One is a lot of money, and the other (nicer, less ugly) one is even more money. But no root canal! No gum disease!

Did I tell you our insurance doesn't cover dental? Someone's getting a night guard for her 40th!

The global economic toilet flush finally prompted us to take a looksie into our money stash (clearly we've been saving our denial for something), and among other heavy sighing, decided a spring vacation is not in the cards this year. And I know, boo fucking hoo, because one of us is still in an employment sector that is hard to kill, and we're not losing our house, and we're eating feta and corn tortillas with our beans tonight, but . . . . I think last year really drove home the point that we need to skip town for some Vitamin D after this particular series of days. That winter combined with death does nothing for our emotional systems and escape is needed. This year, after all this, there will be no escape. Just more of the same, watching the forsythia buds looming, knowing Spring that bitch is right around the corner to mock us with the story of rebirth.

There's more in this February about my older dog suddenly losing bowl control, and spacing my brother's birthday (the 13th, poor kid) for the third year in a row, but I've whined far too much for one post and I have to save your patience for all my "Fuck me, I'm almost 40" posts in the upcoming weeks.

So I'll shut up now. Ok if I turn the calendar ahead tonight?

29 comments:

G$ said...

Holy shiznit! Turn that effin calendar now. That is quite the laundry list.

I hope your grandmother does better after the move.

Never fear, Shamrock shakes and beer ahead....

Busted said...

Good riddance February! Sorry about the mouthguard thing - I think I recall that when I posted the same you worried you would be subject to one as well? The super expensive one wasn't covered by my insurance so I got a cheapie one online that I've still been too lazy to use (it needs to be boiled and molded to my teeth).

Hang in there, just 2 more days!

Antigone said...

Ugh...dental care. I haven't had a dentist since Texas.

D.C. is lovely in March. Or so I heard.

janis said...

Did I ever tell that I had MAJOR pain in a few of my teeth after F died? Only the third dentist I saw figured it was due to grief- grinding at night wearing down the nerves so bad they hurt like hell I wanted to put a bullet through my head.
Sorry, I'm here to comment, not take over the show... er, where was I??? dang.

Big hugs to you, Tash. I am thinking of you and will now kick February on its ass to get over already! You hang in there... xo

CLC said...

Here's to the calendar turning over to March. There's no need for February, at least when you live around here.

I hope your grandmother is doing ok. What a stressful month for you. Writing that kind of makes me laugh, only because that is the understatement of the year.

Maybe you can take advantage of some of the ridiculously cheap airfare to FL for a long weekend?

Michele said...

I'm with you. Feb is a sucker punch of a month. But, in the joy, our children came into this world in February, so it's got some beauty to it, too.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Dear G-d, Tash--giving February a kick in the ass out the door.

I am going for my mammo this summer. A bit freaked out whenever I hear about the squishing.

ezra'smommy said...

Just 2 more days. So sorry its been such a shitty month.

luna said...

oh let it kiss my fat ass too.

I've been wondering about you. thinking of you during maddy's week. so sorry about your grandma. and your pup.

I'm glad you're taking care of those neglected appointments. I got one of those mammo calls too, but thankfullly, I went the day that you can wait til they call you back for a 2nd view after the doc takes a quick look. and yeah, I've been avoiding the dentist like a madwoman. need work not covered. fugh.

ok so when is the big 4-0? mine is in may and I plan to begin the 'fuck me fuck you I'm 40' posts soon, at least in my head...

Anonymous said...

Please! I'm only just starting baby making (with no luck so far). The 40s are the new youth. Don't you read the magazines?
Sticking my fingers in my ears... la la la la....
Alex

Brenna said...

Bring on March! Actually, I'd be happy to skip right forward into April. I'd be so embarrassed to type how long it's been since I saw a dentist. I realllllly need to get on that. It's been quite a bit longer than your hiatus.

I'm so sorry about your grandma. Hang in there--hopefully we see some tulips and daffodils around here soon!

loribeth said...

I'm with you on February (see my latest post, complete with "Zits" cartoon!). You've had a heck of a month. (((HUGS))) On to March & better things!

Gal aka SuperMommy said...

Oh Tash, I am so glad February is almost over! Ugh!

Interesting, I went to the dentist yesterday, thinking part of my filling had come out. No, that's not your filling, your filling is fine. It just seems as though you are clenching and grinding so much that you've chipped a part of your tooth, and look, worn another part down right here. Use your mouth guard, they told me. You mean the old mouth guard I've had for 15 years that doesn't even really fit my teeth? Yah, that one. I need to get a new one too - the kind that only goes over your front teeth, so that it makes it impossible to clench and grind. Only about $450. Sigh...

spoiledonlychild said...

Can I give some assvice? Don't deny yourself a vacation. It's good for the soul. There are ways to do it cheap. Do you camp? Can you rent a beach house off season with another couple or two? Not sure where you live, but there must be some low-cost driving-distance possibilities.

Gretchen said...

This post had me rolling in laughter - sorry it's just my current state of mind. February needs to make her exit SOON. Here's hoping you are able to ignore the hippity-hoppity rebirth part of spring and get right to a beautiful summer.

k@lakly said...

I had my first mammo a few weeks after Caleb died. One of the first and especially tender things my OBitch said to me at my first appt. after getting out of the hospital was, "Hey at least now you can go get that mammogram and get that lump checked out!" And boy did those words of comfort make feel better.
Although upon reading of my 'history' the people at the mammo place were really good. After squishing the girls they also took me back for an ultrasound to look at the lump and then, shock of all shocks, had the radiologist read everything on the spot and she came and spoke to me. Gave me the report right there. She said she didn't want me to have to wory about anything else right then and didn't want me to have to wait to see my other doc again before I heard the report.

I'll be gald to kick Febs ass for you,throw a little smack down. And you know, 40 is the new 20something. Welcome to the dark side:)
xxoo

Dalene said...

Oh my, you have every right to kick February out the door. I hope that your grandmother is feeling better.

Bon said...

lord above, Tash. i nearly didn't get past "dabbed a little funeral parlour behind my ears" b/c i was laughing so hard (which, despite the subject i assumed you'd forgive) and then i switched to serious concern over your grandmother and your poor folded left breast and sweet merciful crap, woman, i finally just gave up and am giving February a kick in the ass for you.

xo

charmedgirl said...

jesus christ. that's life, i guess.

and yeah, that medical records thing, it sucks. i need paper. sorry, green and brown earth.

i think you should squint a little when you look at your finances again to reconsider taking that trip. fuck it. that's life too, no?

Anonymous said...

first time reading here. it's cracking me up! i love your foul mouth and sense of humour :)

Nuwie

Amy said...

I flipped the calendar in my house in honor of you!

The night gard thing...really, go to the pharmacy (c.v.s. or wal.greens) On the dental isle are night guards...they're much less expensive and work just as well. If you are like me and still chew thru them you can buy another! Just a suggestion! Grinding teeth is so much fun! Too bad I can't grind other things!

Oh, and Tash, my ass is bigger so let it kiss mine...it has all the time in the world! I don't wanna mark a spot!

Betty M said...

February was out to get you it seems. I'm glad that March starts tomorrow - hoping only for good things for you.

Julia said...

I have to say you are ahead of me in some ways. I still haven't seen a dentist since about the same time frame... I count it as a major accomplishment that I get Monkey to her dentist appointments. Especially since she had one the day that turned out to be A's funeral day, and so it was moved to two days later. Yes, that is a lovely association to have, why do you ask?

Good riddance, February. Bbye!

Which Box said...

Welcome March. Even with snow.

c. said...

My first trip back to the dentist post miscarriage-deadbaby-chemical preg-miscarriage uncovered 4 cavities. Wha???!!! I'm sure he (the dentist) thought I was just digusting. That's what 2 years of no x-rays will get you, I guess.

I'm all over the complaints. Love 'em. Makes me feel like I'm not so alone. You know, that whole misery loves company shit.

XO.

c. said...

PS So glad the month is over and done with. Hope your March is infinitely better. Fingers crossed.

Alice said...

Thanks for the post. I enjoyed reading it. Alice

Lani said...

this post made me realize i have done absolutely nothing to take care of myself lately. dentist? yeah right. i feel like ignoring everything is so much easier these days. your posts always make me laugh- thanks for that! also i'm sorry about your grandmother.
so march is here, can't wait to see what it has in store for us besides making us *think* spring is coming really soon.

Betty and Boo's Mommy said...

Just discovered your blog and wanted to say, first, my deepest condolences to you. I cannot imagine, and there are no other words to say except how sorry I am. For other - albeit related - reasons, February is a month I truly despise, and this year was no exception.

I hope your grandmother is doing better, Tash.