Monday, February 9, 2009

Calm, meet Storm

Is it really quiet around here lately or is it just me? Seems like everyone is collectively holding his/her breath. Or something. Everyone is waiting -- on tests, on cycles, on information, on time to hurry up and pass the fuck on already, on decisions.

Oddly quiet.

:::

We didn't circle the day or put Maddy's name on the calendar, but it was sitting there, staring at us, blinking neon and glowing in the dark, and suddenly we were putting stuff down in that square. Mr. ABF's monthly poker game, the second Thursday, it turns out will fall on that night. And if he gets out of the house late for a beer with his male buddies -- on that evening especially -- I say more power to him. We're hosting a fundraiser next month for a neighborhood association, and the organizational reception is . . . also this Thursday. We've been told it's only an hour or so of our time early in the evening, so a nice neighbor is going to come watch Bella as she conducts bath and bedtime. Seeing as Bella runs her own water and dresses herself and brushes her own teeth and otherwise acts as though she's 26, I told her it's not really "babysitting" as much as making sure the dogs don't eat something they shouldn't.

I rationalize, telling myself we'd do these things anyway, even if Maddy were alive. A birthday would be celebrated on the weekend, and she'd be in bed by poker time anyway. Bella would be the most pissed about missing an excuse for a cupcake.

And then in the next breath, who am I kidding, there is no Maddy. And so we book the square and it's all so . . . life goes on . . . that it seems disrespectful somehow, and yet . . . I don't know what I'd do with myself sitting around that night anyway, so it's just as well I'm going four houses down and having a glass of wine. It's not as if I'll miss her any less.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do this Thursday, or any of the days beyond. Keep writing in the squares, I suppose. Keep getting up and putting my feet on the floor. Keep on functioning.

37 comments:

Hope's Mama said...

yes, I am waiting for time to hurry up and pass the fuck on already. you nailed it.

ezra'smommy said...

So far each month I try to convince myself its just a day, no different than any other on the calendar. But then on that day, the emotions take hold and I am powerless to move beyond them, until the day mercifully passes.

Dayna said...

Tash, I have been thinking of you especially this week, with love and prayers. I wish you peace.

Mrs. Spit said...

This is where I wish we lived closer together. (don't see why not, our neighbourhoods are so similar).

At any rate, I wish I was close enough to bring cupcakes and flowers.

missing_one said...

What are we to do? How can we move forward, if we are partially stuck in the past. And so we just keep moving.

*hugs*

k@lakly said...

A mere glass, I think I'll have the bottle.
You have been in my heart and thoughts on these cold days Tash. I hope the filling in of boxes at least makes the time pass more quickly, not that it makes the missing any easier.
I wish she were here.
xxoo

Anonymous said...

A long time lurker Tash, coming out of the woodwork to say that I too am thinking of you (in a completely non creepy way :-)

CLC said...

What else can you do but fill in the squares? It would probably feel just as weird to just drop everything for these days. Moreover, it would probably only lead you to sit around and weep until the point where you can't get off the floor. I don't have any good suggestions. If I could drink I would suggest we go out for say one or a dozen. Thinking of you, Maddy, Bella, and Mr. ABF in these coming days.

Brenna said...

I'm thinking about you all and trying to imagine what it may feel like when Sept. 25 rolls around next year. I suspect that as you said, we'll be very aware of the date on the calendar (it's emblazened on our hearts, how could we not be?!) and unsure of what to do as it approaches. I'll be thinking extra thoughts of you and your family and expecially of Maddy. Lots & lots of love~

Lacri said...

Tash, my thoughts are with you and your family this week. I'm wishing for us all that a time comes when the hours can be lived rather than endured.

charmedgirl said...

this reminds me of this past september, when that jackass neighbor asked me to watch her kid on paige's birthday. she got a little edgy when i told her i couldn't because i probably wouldn't be up to it. it made me feel silly for a moment, but of course then remembered who i was talking to.

anyway, yeah. on the first year i made a cake, but i'm really not sure how long i can do that. i wonder sometimes what will fill in that day, just life...as you're saying. functioning. when i think about it right this moment, it brings tears to think of sept 9 year after year, but in reality, i know last year it felt strangely like another day.

another day. it's what we make of them- most often, getting through. i'm trying to figure out how to make more of them, and not end up wrinkled and wishing i appreciated more when i could.

G$ said...

Tic Tac Toe. Fill the squares.

Thinking of you.

loribeth said...

Everybody handles these days differently. I like to take August 7th off, if I can, but there have been years when too many other people have already booked vacations then & I haven't been able to, and I survived just fine. I know you will too. (((hugs)))

Michele said...

God knows we're in the hurry up and wait, too. Sophia's birthday is Monday but screw everything else. That square is blank, save "Sophia's 1st Birthday" in black writing. I just cant do anything else. We didnt do stuff on Nicholas's birthday either, except what we felt called to do. If you want to cancel everything to spend that time in reflection, I say go for it. And, if you dont, I think that's okay too. Whatever comes, needs to come. That's my take anyway.

Why the hell does life have to be so damn hard??? Why can't we all just hit rewind and have our babies back...

The Turtle and the Monkey said...

I am waiting on the time to pass and on a very large decisions. I guess the decision is made, I am really waiting on what happens next I guess.

There is no right or wrong way to fill the box. You do whatever you feel up to. Maddy knows you love her and miss her and that is enough.

You are in my thoughts. Hugs to you.

Aunt Becky said...

Just wanted you to know that I've been thinking of you, my friend. You and all of yours.

Betty M said...

I am thinking of you too.

scribblette said...

our day for effie is next saturday. i feel the same way as you do about your thursday. i really hate this month.

Bon said...

part of me thinks it's a no-win...that it'll always feel disrespectful to treat these anniversaries and birthdays as just regular days, and yet ridiculous or contrived somehow to mark them out as...what? so i mark them inside, me myself, and for the birthday we do cupcakes so as to bring the other kid(s) in in a small way, and i think those days will always be emptyish no matter how i mark up the square on the calendar.

and yet i will be thinking of you on Thursday b/c even though i don't know what we should all do with our days and our dates, the honouring of them in our small ways still matters, i think.

my calendar of the mind has so many little children on it, and i remember dates like Maddy's and Liam's and A's and Ferdinand's better than i do most of the living kids in my life. funny.

Kristin (kekis) said...

Those days suck. While they should be a day that we celebrate, they becomes days of shit instead. Keep going girl . . . you can do it. It'll suck along the way, but you can.

Kymberli said...

You've been heavily in my mind as Maddy's day draws nearer.

And yes - if I could press the fast-forward button and speed right through the rest of this week, I surely would.

Kathy said...

Tash, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you approach Maddy's birthday. I agree that there is no right or wrong way to spend her day. Do whatever feels right for you and your family. I am so sorry that you are not getting to prepare for her birthday party right now and all that comes along with celebrating a child's first birthday. Thinking of you, Maddy, Bella and Mr. ABF. (((HUGS)))

Ahuva Batya said...

ash, I am thinking about you this week especially. I know what you mean when you say that having life just carry on seems disrespectful. I have a feeling you will find a way to hold memory especially close that day.

Melissia said...

Thinking of you and Maddy and Bella and Mr ABF and holding you all in my hearts. I am so sorry that Maddy isn't here with us. However you spend the day and evening, even if you spend it in bed with the covers up over your head, what ever you have to do to get through the day, that is what is important.

Which Box said...

Thinking of you. Thinking of you all.

Gretchen said...

I just started reading your blog and I am so sorry to hear about the tragic loss of your daughter Maddy.

Having a glass of wine with the neighbors on her birthday will not make you miss her less, no doubt. If you change your mind, that's totally understandable too. One can never predict how a deceased child's birthday might unfold.

Thinking of you all.

luna said...

thinking of you this week, tash, and maddy and bella, and mr. abf too.

Good Egg Hunting said...

My thoughts are with you too.

k@lakly said...

Thursday is quietly slipping into today and I wanted you to know that if you feel someone walking silently behind you, following your footsteps and every so often softly placeing a hand on your shoulder to remind you that you are not alone, ever, but especially today, it will be me.
xxoo

Coggy said...

Thinking of you and Maddy today Tash, holding you all close in my thoughts. My love to you, Mr ABF, Bella, and to Maddy x x x

Hope's Mama said...

Thursday is nearly over in my part of the world and you guys, new friends in this world, have been on my mind all day. I'm so sorry it has to be this way for you, and for all of us. Take care Tash.

Natalie said...

It is so hard to navigate this whole birthday thing. I feel like something should be done to awknowledge the day and yet... what day? Really? Arg. It's just heart-wrenching no matter what you do.

And yes, it is quiet... all holding our breaths, waiting.

charmedgirl said...

thinking of you and maddy and the other ABFs.

c. said...

And I guess that's all we can do, as the world and life goes on around us. Good luck tonight. XO.

Kathy said...

P.S. I am sorry I thought that today would have been Maddy's 1st birthday and not her 2nd in my earlier comment. Those details matter. Thinking of you and your family today.

Cara said...

Tash- I type this at 7:17pm. I wonder if that bath is over and you are comfortably attached to a glass of something.

Remembering Maddy today - as you do - everyday.

noswimmers said...

I am so sorry, there are no words. Sending you warmth and love today and always.
((HUGS))