I'll tell you what to do with unpasteurized cheese

I keep thinking maybe, just maybe, I should try the baby thing. No, heavens, not HAVE one you sillies. Communicate, in person, face to face, with people who do. There are some holiday functions that would probably go a bit more smoothly were I to take a deep breath and take a plunge. How bad could it be, really? I've already done the hard stuff, right?

I'm at the gym today, on the bike because my foot is still fucked up, plugged into my iDevice and intently watching the TV set to Sportscenter. Penn loses to North Carolina. Tell me something I don't know. Yawn. Attention gravitates to the next screen, and thanks to grossly misspelled captioning I now see that Giada -- you know, Italian chef with the teeth? And the gauzy slightly porn cooking show? -- is on some morning show. And she's pregnant. And coming up after the break, she's going to discuss what in hell she can possibly eat in this condition. Talk about the accident I can't stop looking at. Thankfully Sportscenter in very timely fashion has some soccer highlights. But then THEY go to commercial. So I'm back watching Giada, to my own soundtrack, while she picks and grimaces her way through salmon, cheese, and (I'm not making this up) health bars marketed just for pregnant women. There really aren't enough health bars on the market right now, are there. And I start thinking to myself, you know, it just doesn't matter. I could've sat down to a jigger of bourbon and some soft imported very (deliciously) moldy Brie every night of my pregnancy, and it wouldn't have made a fucking whit of difference. I might as well have ingested PCB-laden salmon and flushed my iron pills down the toilet. At least then my memories as they were would be foggy blurry drunken reminiscences of tasty food. (Why oh why does ESPN have so many fucking commercials??) And then, the kicker: at the end of the segment, everyone walks onto the set to admire Giada petting her belly through her clearly expensive bespoke maternity wear, and they hand her a baby. I guess he was left over from the previous segment on . . . . I have no idea. But there she is holding the baby, and says, "So this is how it will end up!"

Yep, Giada, that's how it ends. IF THE BABY DOESN'T DIE!!!! I practically scream. In my head. Look around to make sure nothing came out. Phew, no one staring at me, no one calling security. But clearly, not so ready for the babies yet. Not so ready.