Another Banner Year*

Today, the swallows return to San Juan Capistrano. It's also St. Joseph's Day, where we all remember the, um, nonbiological father of Jesus? Or whatever. I see it as a good day to eat fried pastry loaded with polysaturated fat and covered with sprinkles. Oh, and 30-some-zillion-odd years ago, I was born.

Smitten's Ding Dong cake is baked and sitting disassembled awaiting icing. Bella and I will slap it together and likely eat it right there, at the counter. As per the title song, I'll tell the parents I'm great and gloss over the medical fact that my ovarian factories are presently circling the drain. I've never been an enormous fan of teh Birthday, but now that they get bogged down in infertility and deadbaby stuff? I really hate them. A year ago, I had just made it through the first month without Maddy. I am quite different today, showered, dressed, standing, alert, blogging (!), and yet not so much. (Wait, I take that back, I have *not* showered today, nor do I forsee any time this afternoon to do so. Bother.) I feel like I just wasted a year, coping. That my big event of year thirtyblahblabhblah was: coping. I really have nothing to show for the last year; no big career move, nothing got done on the house (that I did, and I'm supposed to be doing stuff), I didn't find religion. I'm at the age where I should be pondering if I can leave my 10 and 12 year olds with the in-laws while I escape to Hawaii with the husband. Instead, I'm overweight, pondering foot surgery necessitated by trying to run again in order to lose the deadbaby weight, wondering if I can, will, or should have another child so my three-and-a-half-year-old can shut it with the "Hey mom. Today at school Frances was my sister."

The person who decided we need cake on birthdays? Thank you. I'm taking that excuse and running with it.

* Title from Bishop Allen's "News from Your Bed." Thanks to Niobe and the numerous previouslies, it's become a personal favorite. (If you'd like to listen to this cheery song about depression, follow the link to Niobe's. I'm far too lazy to figure out how to do this, especially this week after figuring out sky.pe on a mac with a blu.etooth connection. Just looking at the Odeo site made my brain hurt.)