tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post6690867397762428174..comments2024-03-07T05:17:50.699-05:00Comments on Awful But Functioning: Frame of MindTashhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07376651134993450207noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-81532759379762983722008-03-30T09:17:00.000-04:002008-03-30T09:17:00.000-04:00She meant no harm, and still doesn't.Forgive her, ...She meant no harm, and still doesn't.<BR/><BR/>Forgive her, and let go of the bitterness honey. It will help you more than it will help her.Aureliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13691032415028867902noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-68330969367506641792008-03-29T14:16:00.000-04:002008-03-29T14:16:00.000-04:00wow, I came to your site via Alice's and if this i...wow, I came to your site via Alice's and if this is inappropriate I'm sorry.. I love in fact I <3 your writing. It (and this is inappropriate) made me laugh out loud. How you can write with such humour and grace in face of such CRAP I think that is truly wonderful.<BR/>I'll be reading some more and I'll be back. Thank you.<BR/>xHoneyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15662439151558495496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-22922298212791384662008-03-28T17:41:00.000-04:002008-03-28T17:41:00.000-04:00That was beautifully wrote.That was beautifully wrote.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-3837537462009199962008-03-27T14:10:00.000-04:002008-03-27T14:10:00.000-04:00*hugs*(but no tacky gifts)*hugs*<BR/><BR/>(but no tacky gifts)Aunt Beckyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12146687582842259611noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-78755467585981926782008-03-26T20:12:00.000-04:002008-03-26T20:12:00.000-04:00I agree... I don't think your SIL did it malicious...I agree... I don't think your SIL did it maliciously... she's just clueless as to how this might affect you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this. (((hugs)))loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-14881937083113388322008-03-26T03:22:00.000-04:002008-03-26T03:22:00.000-04:00Oh good god, what was she thinking sending that fr...Oh good god, what was she thinking sending that frame? Though really, I can sort of see how clueless people are. I mean, my world has been turned upside down this month and it's like I view EVERYTHING differently. I'm not entirely certain she was being underhanded in sending it... I think she was just completely CLUELESS. But it still sucks for you.Nataliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16003334714597731355noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-15128348688896680012008-03-25T21:53:00.000-04:002008-03-25T21:53:00.000-04:00yeah, I am thinking she needs a version of this le...yeah, I am thinking she needs a version of this letter. <BR/>YOU need to not receive mother's day and "Family' crap from her and at least then you will know if she really cares or just wants you to 'buck up'.moplanshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16998309937928231527noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-22084766362342639272008-03-25T18:27:00.000-04:002008-03-25T18:27:00.000-04:00It's these freaking habits, I think. Maybe we ge...It's these freaking habits, I think. Maybe we get used to doing what we think is the right thing because that's what we've been trained to do. <BR/><BR/>And while it IS sweet of your SIL to ignore the brothers' quarrel and think so often of your (living) child, it sounds like the gift giving is all about her, and not about you at all. Makes her feel good, so it must be a good thing. No consideration of the impact of a particular gift upon the receiver. Clearly. <BR/><BR/>One of my wonderful SILs (I'm serious here, they are very kind, sweet, smart and generally thoughtful) sent each of us an email forward from M.A.D.D. The gist of it is that it's a letter from a teenager to his/her mom saying how careful he/she'd been in not drinking and driving, or getting into a car with a drunk driver. You can see where this is going...<BR/><BR/><BR/>**possibly upsetting**<BR/><BR/>(((child basically says, "Mom, I love you. I did everything right. Wish you could be here to hold me while I die.")))<BR/><BR/>**END**<BR/><BR/><BR/>WHAT ON EARTH WAS SHE THINKING SENDING THIS??? <BR/><BR/>I'm sorry people are so clueless, Tash. As if you haven't been through enough. A little more salt for the wound?Suehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03812637630030228124noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-39273526456106460992008-03-25T17:55:00.000-04:002008-03-25T17:55:00.000-04:00beautifully written, tash. ~lunabeautifully written, tash. ~lunalunahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15455301696832647867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-15489308537614143212008-03-25T12:54:00.000-04:002008-03-25T12:54:00.000-04:00I wonder if she thinks she's being really thoughtf...I wonder if she thinks she's being really thoughtful and all...but she's missing the mark so badly???<BR/><BR/>I think most people give/send gifts for their own benefit. So they can feel better about themselves. It's so much about them that they lose sight of everything else. Just me being cynical, I guess.c.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02933776400434137451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-582966322149305522008-03-24T22:03:00.000-04:002008-03-24T22:03:00.000-04:00Ugh, I'm sorry about the picture frame. What a kn...Ugh, I'm sorry about the picture frame. What a knife in your heart. <BR/><BR/>I like your letter, but I suppose she would just read the beginning and skip to the end, assuming the middle was all about her wonderful, possibly well-intentioned gifts. No advice, just an exasperated sigh.Searchinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03112896236818363817noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-5438983798032816212008-03-24T21:23:00.000-04:002008-03-24T21:23:00.000-04:00Here's my confession. In my family, I'm your SIL....Here's my confession. In my family, I'm your SIL. I send presents (stuff like candy and cookies and imported cheeses and baby clothes) to all my siblings and their families for every conceivable occasion and sometimes for no reason at all. Especially the siblings who have babies around the ages the twins would have been. <BR/><BR/> It's my penance for my jealousy towards these people who, really, haven't done anything to deserve it. I may not be able to bear to talk to my siblings or to see their babies, but I can buy them the adorable little outfits and sweet little gifts that I can't buy for my twins. I'm sure they hate me for it, but it's the only thing that makes me feel less guilty towards them.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-71564578581040670142008-03-24T20:38:00.000-04:002008-03-24T20:38:00.000-04:00I don't even know what to say to that. Your SIL is...I don't even know what to say to that. Your SIL is so like my mom. Sentiment through shopping for crap. I don't know what to say to my mom and I wouldn't know what to say to your SIL. <BR/><BR/>Your letter says it all. Too bad you won't send it.Beruriahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07171541078529309991noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-62854946037482775012008-03-24T19:56:00.000-04:002008-03-24T19:56:00.000-04:00Tash, I don't know what to say. You write my heart...Tash, I don't know what to say. You write my heart, and you describe very clearly how awful it is to be "one of us". People just don't know what to do with us, and sometimes they just plain outright do the wrong things. ((hugs)) I'll just write her a note to save the planet by no longer buying plastic junk and wasting gas by mailing stuff.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-85756900746573150962008-03-24T19:54:00.000-04:002008-03-24T19:54:00.000-04:00I guess I just don't see it that way. I lost twin...I guess I just don't see it that way. I lost twins at 23 weeks and have never expected people to really know how to deal with it. I don't even know how to deal with it. I'm definitely a different person than I was before and thankful for those that even try to reach out to me still.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-18015833886914980962008-03-24T19:52:00.000-04:002008-03-24T19:52:00.000-04:00I'm leaning towards CLC's thinking... she's just o...I'm leaning towards CLC's thinking... she's just oblivious. These days, clueless gifts are so much less insidious than 1) the silence from people who cannot bear to ask about Liam, or ask how we're doing, because it's just so uncomfortable for them (to which I say Buck The F*ck Up); or 2) the opinions (sometimes explicitly and sometimes underhandedly expressed) from people who think I/we should be moving on (to which I say Shut The F*ck Up).<BR/><BR/>The wife of your husband's brother? I think she's just guilty of buying cheap plastic crap, thinking that she's forging a bond with you. I doubt she thinks much beyond that, and if she ever got wind of how her thoughtfulness comes off to you, she'd just sit there doe-eyed, completely stunned, never having remotely considered your point of view.sweetsalty katehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15822876211091242851noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-32164483544303725142008-03-24T19:00:00.000-04:002008-03-24T19:00:00.000-04:00I am not sure what to say here. I can see where sh...I am not sure what to say here. I can see where she thinks she is doing something good, but it's really only making her feel better and she probably has no idea that it hurts you in any way. She may be thinking that she's a good person for trying to maintain a relationship despite her husband's ignorance, yet she doesn't realize that presents are now meaningless when you can't have the one thing you want in this world. I want to say that she's an evil bitch, but I am having a hard time with saying that because frankly I wish I was in her blissfully ignorant shoes. Not that I would want to be viewed as uncompassionate to women like ourselves, but I wish I could go back in time and have no idea how awful this grief is and think that my lame-ass frame would actually comfort you somehow.CLChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08030787972960755420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-60160882811363363052008-03-24T18:58:00.000-04:002008-03-24T18:58:00.000-04:00I am so buying a FAMILY frame, marking out the let...I am so buying a FAMILY frame, marking out the letters like you suggested doing, so that it spells fail. Now THAT, would make me smile.<BR/><BR/>And Tash, I am officially irritated by your BIL's wife. Just sayin'...meghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00113578396438869433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-38370144308979190952008-03-24T17:11:00.000-04:002008-03-24T17:11:00.000-04:00It never stops blowing my mind how some people don...It never stops blowing my mind how some people don't get it. Especially people with children. I call that willful ignorance. Yeah, sure, it hurts to think about it for real. Imagine now, will ya, how much it hurts to <I>live</I> that?<BR/><BR/>I bought a frame from I think the same collection a few years ago. It is funky, says "modern family" across the top, and only fits a 3x4. I put a picture of Monkey with Aruba-braided hair in there. That trip was like 3 months before A was conceived. If the frame still sat empty now I would probably trash it.Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-10852063932251728002008-03-24T17:03:00.000-04:002008-03-24T17:03:00.000-04:00What does it say about evolution that the selfcent...What does it say about evolution that the selfcentered idiots seem to have all the fertility luck?Antigonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09206205690072218302noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-51269783254129284462008-03-24T16:54:00.000-04:002008-03-24T16:54:00.000-04:00That's the stuff I find the most confusing and dif...That's the stuff I find the most confusing and difficult to deal with. The outright actions that add insult to injury, especially when I know the offenders SHOULD KNOW BETTER. <BR/>The frame, however well intentioned, was just plain insensitive and cruel. And I think it was full of hidden meanings too. The "you're still a family... get on with it" type. <BR/>I'd be tempted to send the letter or one like it. Maybe one that simply reads, "We had a beautiful daughter who died 6 days after she was born, only a brief year ago, we are heartbroken. Please stop ignoring her and our grief."<BR/>Or plan B...Eff Youk@laklyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05366772609212990882noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-90960207585159218892008-03-24T16:50:00.000-04:002008-03-24T16:50:00.000-04:00Why oh why do people feel the need to buy gifts fo...Why oh why do people feel the need to buy gifts for every occasion? Honestly, save your money, send a card and be done with it. Or send nothing. Sending trinkets (to Bella) and other stuff (picture frames, who doesn't need a picture frame!) is just such a waste of energy to me. Let alone money.<BR/><BR/>I have that picture frame. My sister bought it for me years ago when we first started trying to get pregnant. It has a picture of her son in it and makes me sad everytime I look at it. Especially since the baby in it is now 5 and I still don't have a picture to replace it with.<BR/><BR/>Sorry Tash. And oy, Mother's Day is looming heavily.G$https://www.blogger.com/profile/05010373805685335151noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-62768745692315426962008-03-24T16:30:00.000-04:002008-03-24T16:30:00.000-04:00Tash, I think the frame was a hurtful reminder of ...Tash, <BR/>I think the frame was a hurtful reminder of how cold some people can be. Should I dare say, passive aggressive?! <BR/><BR/>I hope you know that we here do understand. I think I'll keep wishing the same thing for all of us when I see the four leaf clover, eye-lash, Swedish Wish cookie, etc. To quote you, I will wish for the ability to travel back in time, raise the dead, and be granted the healing powers of Jesus.<BR/><BR/>Much love and as always, thinking of you. AAmyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00912286121374215944noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8937223408953728341.post-22065502838502566562008-03-24T16:25:00.000-04:002008-03-24T16:25:00.000-04:00Wow...I am so constantly amazed by the way a life ...Wow...<BR/><BR/>I am so constantly amazed by the way a life is changed when another life is ended. Especially when it's a child you've lost.<BR/><BR/>You (and I) just don't see the world the same way anymore, and I don't know if other people will every really understand it. <BR/><BR/>People are either so careful around me that I begin to feel even more broken because of them, or they are (like your SIL) just not thinking about what it must be like. I think most people can't handle really thinking about the realities of a child's death, so instead they just sort of ignore it.<BR/><BR/>It's probably not on purpose, but it hurts all the same. It's like when people ask me if I have children. If I don't mention Aodin, I feel awful. If I do, they feel awful.<BR/><BR/>I guess we just can't win. I do wonder if maybe you should tell her though... something about presents being too difficult... I don't know.<BR/><BR/>I hope this gets better for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com